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Newsflash Dateline New York City a former circus daredevil who billed himself as boffo the human cannonball fired himself out of a cannon yesterday into a crowd of holiday shoppers fortunately there were no injuries to the passers-by buffle was not so lucky said his wife the former mrs. The Muppet Show Beaker Meepers Gonna Meep Shirt Befo I guess i'll just have to pick up the pieces and live my life here's a muppet newsflash tight security surrounds The Muppet Show with the theater holding over 50 million dollars in gold bullion trained guards watch the precious metal round-the-clock and dire consequences will befall anyone who so much as lays a finger on it like so there's gonna be alright but stay with them this is the opening night of the Opera season and now for us news flash the worst blizzard in 50 years is approaching us at a great rate
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The Weather Service reports that barometers are falling sharply flash our newsroom has been flooded with calls today reporting that furniture all over town has been turning into monsters seven people have allegedly been attacked by a wandering pack of sofas at the east edge of town a dining room table set for eight reportedly ate the eight it was set for when contacted for comment Sheriff David Gold's a short Muppet knows essentially what the rumor was false according to goals there is no way for a piece of furniture to turn into a monster slant just throughout the city could be due to what psychologists ain't read fear the rising prices of home furnishings the cost of living during the past month but people are advised to relax secure in the knowledge that their furniture well that's all tonight from Muppet news good night well at last an item about furniture is ridiculous a muppet newsflash Dateline sorry newsflash stars fell on Alabama last night but the weather bureau said it was a freak storm and would never police today announced a total amnesty on all overdue library books library fines will be forgiven on all overdue books returned to this station within the next three seconds three seconds that must be a misprint here's a muppet newsflash and now to Washington DC for a direct call on our hotline Oh Chicago live Stockport here are the gestation periods yes the station's Pigs 113 days cows 284 days horses 337 days and elephants 645 elsewhere on The Muppet Show Beaker Meepers Gonna Meep Shirt agricultural news front the recent butcher crop has been causing problems for farmers widespread dumping of produce has resulted from this bumper crop our crop here is a muppet newsflash what newsflash on Wall Street today commodity experts were amazed as beef fell dramatically here is a muppet newsflash the eminent research scientist dr. Bunsen honey pig today announced he had successfully converted a sow's ear into a silk purse doctor honey pig is now the object of a massive civil and criminal suit by the wife of a neighbourhood artist mrs. Vincent van Gogh pig hello a look at those plans here are the results of today's national sheepdog trials all these sheepdogs have been found not guilty just put the fools flash fans of roving Jesus have been reported at
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the edge of town moving toward city centre the cheese's are reported to be smelly and often an e company of crackers most of them seem to be moving about on foot but some cheese's naturally are in wheels this is a muppet newsflash in the world of sports today rich cannon quarterback for the Oakland Raiders threw 250 touchdown passes 250 touchdown passes that's impossible there's gotta be a mistake here somewhere it's ridiculous 250 touchdown passes to it oh wow oh here's a muppet newsflash the great blue threat is over the rogue adhesive is under control everything is a muppet newsflash scientists were punished today by reports of giant boulders rolling through Hollywood good ha ha they didn't give you giant boulders to throw good day ha ha no they gave me one ha ha ha local citizens have reported the sighting of an unidentified flying object when last seen it was directly over the Muppet newsroom here's a muppet newsflash The Muppets kitchen with Cat Cora is coming to the World Wide Web the tasty cuisine of Cat Cora combined with the madness of the Muppets I certainly hope her insurance is paid up hmm visit the The Muppet Show Beaker Meepers Gonna Meep Shirt  kitchen and watch Cat Cora and the Muppets ham it up what that I said ham and you give me pancakes what kind of bird brains are running this place newsflash the makers of the light fixture used in that last veterinarians hospital have announced that they are recalling all of their hospital lights a spokesman for the company said that all manufacturing of that particular light fixture has been dropped eight wines Silver Spring Maryland at this very moment mr. And mrs. George laser of Silver Spring are attempting to break the world's record for overhand refrigerator throwing hailstones the size and shape of chickens are falling from the sky that's absurd then again maybe not this just in the Muppet news The Muppet what nuts have taken the city by storm Fifth Avenue is teeming with these strange visitors who are they what are they and what do they want from us besides cab fare and a reasonably priced meal Muppet news flash Constantine the world's most dangerous frog has escaped from a maximum security gulag in Siberia Russia
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this move has leapfrogged Constantine - the number one most wanted criminal in the world one place ahead of the mysterious Lima State Line the Muppet Show an embarrassing situation developed today when the Muppet news reporter accidentally went on camera forgetting to put on his pants oh good grief now a muppet newsflash probably the greatest news story in history the meaning and purpose of life has just been announced the full text of the announcement is as follows that's wrong line just a second headed here a minute ago where is it meaning in purpose how can I keep track of things when you're always straightening up my desk hey and welcome to Muppet News International yes you're welcome to it simultaneous translation bringing you news and views across the language barrier oh are you gonna tell them what I just said no your secret is safe with me all right here is the nose things look grim in the outback as rebel forces continue to fight amongst themselves first one side seems to be winning Easter and then the other side that's on top and casualties have been very heavy and strong ties between the two factions have been permanently cut eyebrows were raised today at the auction rooms where a priceless antique vaana's came under the hammer rumors of a cover-up affected prices on the poison phony stock market where one will hit badly basically plunging to an all-time low this continues for a missing man sent by a police to be dangerous and more than a little screwy Daniel's mode as the inventor of the D pop-up toaster next we have all fashion a newsman was attacked today by a mad English comic MIDI we must find him there's a muppet newsflash there is no news tonight
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